Raise your hand if you’re reading this blog and you’ve felt like a misfit at any point in your life. Maybe you were the last picked for sports in high school P.E. Maybe you were one of few women in your 100-person college computer science class. Maybe you were the only person who really liked that super sour candy as a kind. So, have you ever felt like a misfit?
Trust me, I’ve got my hand up! And if you’re reading this blog right now but are swearing up and down that you’ve never felt like a misfit even once in your life, let me tell you—it’s coming!
Don’t worry, I speak only with lightheartedness, because while it’s true that everybody is a misfit in one way or another, it’s equally true that there are numerous strategies we can implement to help counter the sense of isolation that comes with being a misfit and instead recognize our inherent misfit advantage. This blog will outline five key tips to help all of us embrace our misfit identity—so let’s waste no time!
1. Realize What You’re Feeling is Normal
Again: feeling like a misfit is an inevitable part of all of our lives, because we are all eventually going to end up in a situation where we’re the odd one out. I know I’ve experienced the crushing sensation of looking around and thinking, Wow, everyone else is fitting in so well, they’re so much more put together than me, but the reality is that those people are just better at hiding their misfit experience than others. So again, take comfort in the fact that being a misfit is a normal part of life!
What next, then? We know that being a misfit is normal, so what can we do about that uncomfortable and stressful feeling of not fitting in? Well, there are two options: we can choose to conform, or we can accept ourselves. I’m advocating for the latter, but I know self-acceptance is easier said than done!
It seems to me that part of the human experience is judging ourselves, and that constant judgment is the main stumbling block on our road to embracing who we are. As such—obvious though it may be!—a key step to overcome this judgment is simply challenging negative thoughts, particularly by allowing ourselves to contemplate what higher purpose may be behind our feelings of not fitting in. In other words, we must resist the urge to make ourselves small! As Mariah Driver, a misfit who shared her story online, puts it: “As a misfit, your greatest strength is your excess. Resist the urge to shrink the pieces of yourself that no one else feels, no one else notices, or no one else seems to give any shits about. Resist the urge to shrink to your container, whether that’s a job description or a social environment.” The higher purpose of feeling like a misfit might thus be challenging the status quo; it might be opening the door for fellow misfits who have similarly felt excluded and left out; it might be driving innovation and improved functionality in the workplace; or anything in-between!
In turn, we must take this feeling of isolation and turn it into compassion. Everyone in the world is going through the journey of being a misfit, so we should be kind and support one another rather than shutting people down and making them feel “wrong” in the same unkind way that has been forced upon us (and that we all hate!). Kindness is transformative, and one way to demonstrate such is simply by listening. When we create space for others, we create space for ourselves. Because we know firsthand the pain of feeling like a misfit, listening and extending that moment of solidarity with someone can mean everything. Even the smallest effort can help someone! We shouldn’t judge ourselves for how “much” or how “little” we’re able to contribute to others’ journeys; instead, we should pause and truly recognize our contributions and accomplishments—trust me, the ripple effect will always be felt.
2. Forge Authentic Connections
As someone deeply invested in DEI, I have emphasized to the rooftops the importance of surrounding ourselves with diverse perspectives to ensure that we aren’t seeing the world as a monolith. It is equally important, however, that we surround ourselves with people who will support and uplift us (and our misfit-ness), and finding that sense of belonging means some of those people will be like-minded to us. That connection is not an inherently bad thing! Engaging with individuals who share similar experiences and perspectives to us often provides validation and support, and indeed creating a community where we don’t feel judged or pressured to conform is a crucial step in embracing our misfit advantage.
In terms of the workplace, too, forging these authentic connections can manifest in finding ourselves an ally—a colleague in a position of influence who can offer you mentorship and support as you navigate any potential pushback. Remember: we may think we’re alone, but we never are. We just have to find the people who will have our backs!
3. Do Your Research
Continuous learning is great, i.e. staying up-to-date on developments in your field and seeking opportunities for skill development, but that isn’t exactly what I’m referring to when I implore all of us to “do our research.”
In my experience, one of the most painful misfit moments I’ve had is when I’m sharing a conversation with someone, and they don’t just disagree with me over a point, but they in fact shut down my perspective. Disagreement is a normal and healthy part of dialogue; shutting someone down is simply hurtful and demoralizing.
As such, “doing my research” means making an intentional effort to explore the way I think and discover the history of my perspective. Enriching my knowledge and confidence about my unique misfit perspective gives me the tools to help prevent others from shutting me down and additionally creates opportunities for me to (politely) respond to those who disagree with or challenge me. This strategy helps prevent feelings of isolation when people plainly accuse us of being “wrong,” when in reality we’re just expressing a different perspective. In short, stay informed!
4. Personal Branding
I like to think of personal branding as a coin with two sides, both equally as important as the other: professional and creative! On a professional level, embracing our misfit advantage through personal branding means making an effort to discover our strengths (born from our unique, misfit perspective), from skills assessments to constructive conversations with our team leaders. In turn, we must spotlight those strengths in applicable places. LinkedIn profiles, resumes, and in-person professional interactions (such as interviews) are all great initial opportunities for us to confidently articulate our strengths.
On a creative level, I am firm believer in the importance of art—and I use that term as capaciously as possible—to confidence and self-expression. Take up journaling! Scrapbooking! Photography! Poetry! Meditation! Make playlists! Collect trinkets that you feel a resonance with! There are innumerable creative opportunities we can harness to become more sure of ourselves, our interests, and our abilities, bringing us one step closer to fully embracing our misfit advantage.
5. Lead by Example
Circling back to how this blog began, I must conclude with an emphasis on connection and supporting one another. A key strategy to embracing our misfit advantage is through sharing our story. I’ll be the first to admit this process may be difficult, but when we speak openly and honestly about our struggles and triumphs, we will inevitably inspire other people, reminding them and ourselves that they are not alone in their misfit experiences. And think about it—the most interesting, engaging, empathetic stories are ones where people talk about not fitting in and the perspectives gained from that experience! Isn’t the misfit quality why superhero movies are so popular?
Leading by example also means setting boundaries, because in doing so we demonstrate to others what respectful engagement looks like. If someone is making us feel invalidated or unwelcome, we can lead by example and minimize—if not eliminate—interactions with their negativity. Similarly, leading by example means taking the initiative to advocate for ourselves, especially in situations where we may not be fortunate enough to have a mentor or ally on standby to offer support in the moment. Embracing our misfit advantage thus gives us the opportunity to stand strong, inspire others, and uplift ourselves, and learning to lead by example and share our story may perhaps be the key to unlocking all the vitality of our misfit self.
The final piece of advice I offer is simple: understand that some people will be unaware and will not be ready for your misfit identity, but that does not mean there’s something wrong with you. All their hesitation means is that right now, those people are not in the correct headspace to respect or learn from the unique perspectives of others. Sometimes, we have to create a safe space for ourselves and protect our own well-being, which may mean being selective in our surroundings and company. That selectivity likely won’t be forever, but it is often important in the now—first and foremost, take care of yourself.
And there we have it! So, how are we all feeling at the end of this blog? Still struggling with the isolation of being a misfit? No more—as I said, what we’re feeling is normal. Take my hand and let’s walk this road together!
